Being Right...

isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

Geri and I are taking a course of sorts, basically we are working through the book Love & Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and the associated workbook, with other couples. In Chapter 1 he says, “you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.” There is truth in that in my experience. On the other hand, giving up, or shutting down at the first sign of disagreement, which will happen in a marriage, is also not a solution.

In my first marriage I made that mistake of shutting down at the first sign of disagreement; I did everything to avoid conflict. My words for what Eggerichs said are in the title and subtitle of this piece, “being right isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.” But what’s the downside of avoiding the disagreement, the inevitable conflict? I have a saying for that, too; “as a husband, and with every decision made or simply tolerated, you are writing the marriage rule book.” I’m sure I could count on the fingers of one hand the times I said “no” in the 22 years of my first marriage. After the first year of marriage it might actually have been zero. Then one day, as was inevitable, there came a decision of such gravity that I had to say, “no.” Of course by then the rule book was basically engraved in granite, and everything came crashing down around me, and in fact was brought down by me and my childishness.

So then, the real solution requires that you have the conversations, the disagreements, ultimately achieving some sort of agreement, while at the same time not tearing down your spouse. To a woman that feels like she’s not loved, to a man it feels like he’s disrespected; hence the title of Eggerichs’ book. It’s no mean feat, and I’m not writing as someone who has necessarily cracked the code. I’m just saying that to develop such a capability is of utmost importance. It requires study. It requires experimentation. In other words it requires work. And it’s toughest in my opinion, in the relationships you are most heavily invested in; in my case my marriage and my children.

I was talking to my eldest son on this point just yesterday. I’ve had a few hobbies throughout my life; motorcycles and cars, photography, bicycles, investing and real estate, etc. In 2012 I started studying and experiment with Permaculture, homesteading, nutrition (2014) and related topics. For each of these hobbies I owned and read dozens of books, dozens. I still have most of them. I subscribed to newsletters and podcasts, YouTube channels, etc. I tried things out, I failed, I tried again, and again, until I got it right, or as close to right as was necessary to achieve the desired outcome. Arguably though, absolutely I’d say, the most important thing you’ll ever engage in is your marriage, it’s more important than any hobby to be sure. And relationships of every sort, to God, your husband or wife, family, friends, etc., are, in the end, all you have. So, have a look at your bookshelf, your podcast library, and your browsing history; how many books or websites do you visit with the intention of improving the relationships in your life? How much time do you invest in this the most important of all aspects of life? Come to think of it, how much time and energy am I investing in this most important aspect of my life?!

Just food for thought.